gunznammo2 (gunznammo2) wrote,

Supernatural Hugs


What is the cost of a hug? To many of us, hugs re-establish our hold on our 
loved ones, reassure us of their warmth and life. You can tell that Sam is one 
of those guys. He would’ve fit right in with our family. But for Dean, hugs 
come with a pretty hefty price tag. In his mind, anyway. It could crumble 
his façade at a moment’s notice. As the older brother, Dean has to keep 
up appearances. Never let his guard down. In his mind, a hug would break 
down his defenses. Let Sam see a side of him that he kept hidden from 
the world. In his mind, a hug would make him look weak.
We’ve seen two exceptions from Dean when he lets the wall down. 
‘Shadow’ Sam and Dean finally see their dad face to face after months 
of not knowing if he was dead or alive. No gratuitous hug there. It was 
heartfelt and genuine. The other oh-so momentous occasion comes in 
‘All Hell Breaks Loose Pt. 1’ Dean grabs Sammy and holds him tight. 
Maybe a bit too tight. It causes Sam a lot of pain. But Dean had just 
brought his little brother back from the dead. And he holds onto Sam as if 
his own life depended on it because, in a way, it did. With the horrendous 
sacrifice he had made to keep his dearly beloved family intact, he had to 
make sure it was worth the cost. And holding Sam close to him assured 
Dean that Sam was, indeed, back. He was NOT going to let Sam out of his 
grasp ever again. Because in Dean’s mind, Sam is what matters to him. 
More so than his own life.
One of the reasons this show struck such a chord with me was the 
relationship between the brothers. Their commitment to one another 
against all odds with an unwavering sense of duty for one another. Our 
family never had to deal with those kind of situations. But getting to 
know these boys, Dean and Sam, brought me back to memories of my 
own family. Indeed, on the month I ran across this amazing series called 
(June 2006) I was going through a rather bleak period in my 
life. Let me expound a bit. From the time we were little, our Daddy instilled 
in us the importance of family, of sticking together, of standing up for one 
another, of putting our family before all others. He knew that with our 
priorities set straight, all of our other relationships would have a better 
chance of success. And it has served us well in our lives to live that 
philosophy. I’ve passed those beliefs onto my kids ‘cause I know how 
important it is to have that love and trust and commitment to help get 
through the rough times. And we’ve had our share. Just like everyone. 
It’s been 16 years since my dad died but that summer for some reason, it 
seemed to me like we’d just lost him and I missed him so very much. I 
would harken back to the many family gathering we had while Daddy was 
still alive. During those joyous events, we were all huggers. My brothers 
were no exception. They brought to our gatherings great reaffirming love 
and devotion to one another. And to our Dad. His greatest joy was seeing 
his sons all together – leaving their petty differences at the door of our 
childhood home and opening up their hearts and souls to one another. 
Our dad gave usthat ability.  He was the glue that held us all together. 
And when he died, some of that closeness died with him. Family 
gatherings weren’t as joyous.  
At this point in my musings I must add to these thoughts a little essay my son 
wrote when he was about fourteen. He is now 27 but at that point it had been 
four years since his Grandpa (our Dad) had died. He titled it ‘Memories Don’t 
Die’ and it just reinforces the reasons family is so important and why this 
show we call ‘Supernatural’ brought back to me how very precious family is
 `I remember waking up as a child to the most comforting sound - My Grandpa's lawnmower. 
It was always a comfort, sort of just knowing he was there, lovingly caring for his beautiful 
lawn as he cared for those around him. And I could just picture how proud he looked on his 
little lawn tractor, sitting tall with a broad smile on his face.
Everyone knew Ed was special by the way his easy-coming smile seemed to
brighten the room or how his infectious laughter seemed to carry through the air so easily.
My love for him couldn't have been any greater. And my love would grow when he called 
me my pet name "Little Benny".
So sacred to me was that pet name that I would be 
furious if anyone else called me by that special name. (emphasis mine)
Holidays seemed so much more special at Grandpa's. Even though I was little I can still  
recall the words us grandkids were waiting to hear: "Time to go to Grandpa's for 
Thanksgiving dinner!" And on the short trip over our minds were filled with the taste of 
Grandpa's wonderful dressing and the smell of his sweet tender turkey awaiting us on 
arrival. During the dinner we children would have to sit at a 'kids' table longingly glancing 
at the 'adults' table which was always filled with loving and friendly conversations between 
my grandpa, seated at the head of the table, and all the other relatives. You could see the 
joy in my grandpa's eyes as he saw all his children and grandchildren together as a family. 
Sure, we always wanted to sit at the 'adult' table but that's only because we didn't know it 
was much more special to witness that loving display than to actually had to have been a 
part of it.
Christmas was loved by one and all of our family, but most especially by Grandpa. He 
seemed to me to be St. Nick himself because of all the joy and love that he brought to 
the celebration of Christ's birthday. My Grandpa and uncles and aunts would talk of 
each other's health and the feeling of being together as a family once again was in the
very air we breathed. Love filled my grandpa's house and it never ran out of love.
Summer was Grandpa's element. He was enraptured by the scenery and the smell in 
the air. But most of all Grandpa loved summer because of his garden. I remember 
Grandpa taking me and mom (that’s me) on a tour through his garden. His eyes would 
light up as he predicted how his garden would do this year and you could hear the joy in 
his voice as he answered patiently the questions I would ask about a plant here and there. 
He loved gardening and it showed in the way the rows were meticulously lined up or how 
there would never be any weeds in his garden.
Behind Grandpa's garden in the shade stood a beautiful grove of crabapple trees and 
every time I rode bike to Grandpa's farm he'd always greet me with a hug, a pinch on 
the cheek and he'd whisper happily, "Hi, little Benny." And we'd sit 'til sunset and eat 
crabapples and talk about many things. And just before sundown, just as the sky was 
lighting up as if in a wonderful display of Mother Nature's fireworks, Grandpa would stand 
up and stretch. His body would be silhouetted against the sky and I'd think - Grandpa 
looks too skinny.....But the worry would soon be forgotten as the night wore on.
But then it would get to the point where I wouldn't stop worrying for awhile. Like when 
Grandpa would come over and we'd pass the warm afternoons with Grandpa hitting 
pop flys to me as I would run and catch them. But whenever I threw the ball back to 
him he would groan from the countless aches and pains that he had. Every time he 
had to bend over and get the ball I'd start to worry a little bit more. But he never uttered 
a word of complaint, though sometimes I wish he would've.
Then on the worst night of my life Mom got a call from Grandma. "Yes, oh God, I'll be 
right over!" I asked where she was going and she hurriedly said she was going to 
Grandpa's.Just being a child I couldn't hear the fear in her voice. The anticipation of 
things to come. I asked if I could come too but she never answered, and I never saw 
Grandpa again.
For so long I was numb. Just floating through the days. And life seemed nothing more 
than a dream. It happened so quick, I'd think, but then I'd wonder how long we were 
expecting it to happen. Sure, he had lots of things wrong with him but goddammit, so 
many people loved him! He has so much love left to give. He had many more summers 
of gardening and hitting pop flys to me on mild summer afternoons. So many times left 
to pinch my cheeks and call me 'Little Benny'! And he had many more hours of mowing 
the lawn. He had this and so much more in him left.
`Mom said 'Memories don't die.' So why do people?, I'd ask silently.
That Thanksgiving after Grandpa died was silent and mirthless. I sat at the 'Adults' 
table but it wasn't as special to me anymore... it wasn't as special to any of us anymore. 
And every holiday less and less relatives would come. It almost seemed as if Grandpa 
actually tied us all together as a family. And saddest of all, on those beautiful summer 
mornings I knew Grandpa would've loved, I wouldn't hear a lawnmower doing its job 
guided with gentle hands by one of the most special people this world ever had... 
My Grandpa. Our Grandpa....
But sometimes, like on the morning of his funeral, I could've sworn I heard his 
John Deere
running like it always did..........
By the time I’ve finished reading this, I’m always in tears. Benny (he finally 
let me and his dad call him that) has put into words what so many of us 
felt but couldn’t adequately express. I know if Benny could have brought 
his grandpa back to life, he would have done it. At any cost.  But  we all 
know that’s not possible. Dad is gone but he will never be forgotten. And 
I’m not trivializing our family loss when I say that the summer I found 
‘Supernatural’ all of these thoughts were like a scab that I kept picking at 
until the pain was almost overwhelming. Then ‘Supernatural’ came into 
my life.
I must tell you that I had never felt compelled to write a ‘fan’ letter before this
show. But I sent letters to Jensen and Jared just to tell them of the impact
their characters brought into my life. I don’t know if they ever received the 
letters. I guess, at this point, it doesn’t really matter. I just had to thank them 
for putting their hearts and souls into the roles of Dean and Sam. 
For me, ‘Supernatural’ and those two brothers reinforced the importance 
of sacrifice, of total dedication and commitment and love of family at a time 
when I needed to hear it most. I will be forever grateful for that. If we lose 
‘Supernatural’ before it’s time (who knows what it’s future holds at this 
moment in time – The CW will be taking it off the schedule after the last 
of the new episodes air) it it will be like losing another beloved member 
of the family. And I don’t know if I’m ready to deal with that yet.
As to our Dean and his hesitance to overtly show affection…..(there’s 
one in every family ) To me, he shows an abundance of affection. 
You just have to read between the lines. So I guess we should cut Dean 
a little slack. Those times he did hug were extenuating circumstances. 
And you can’t hold that against him – so to speak….   Hey, maybe Dean’s 
just not a hugger.
Tags: benny, dean winchester, family, hugs, sam winchester, supernatural

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